Monday, November 12, 2012

God Was a Volcano???

Spoof commentary of imaginery third party with multiple personality disorder....

Exodus 20:18And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off.
Smoking mountain? Hmmm....tough one that one. What the hell could a smoking mountain be? Thunders and lightning....yes, both common during eruptions. Trumpet blast? Ok, so volcanoes make trumpet sounds due to the magma shooting up the chamber just like blowing into a horn.....but I can't possibly admit to not being in the know. What?!! Are you crazy? I need more evidence.

Exodus 20:21 And the people stood afar off, and Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was.
'Thick darkness'. Getting closer....getting hotter!!! I need more evidence though as I'm living in a bubble that suits my lifestyle and my wardrobe of clothes would be good for nothing if my bubble burst.

Exodus 20:24 An altar of earth thou shalt make unto me, and shalt sacrifice thereon thy burnt offerings, and thy peace offerings, thy sheep, and thine oxen.
Gross! Choppy choppy! Ok, so volcano cults set up altars at the base of volcanoes and proceed to slit lots of throats and do lots of blood letting. Isn't the wine in church a symbol of blood? Aren't the candles symbols of fire on the altar? It's just too gross to acknowledge. I need more evidence!

Exodus 19:16 And it came to pass on the third day in the morning, that there were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the mount, and the voice of the trumpet exceeding loud; so that all the people that was in the camp trembled.
Thunder...check. Lightning.....check...thick cloud on top of mountain....double check. Trumpet sound......check. Frightening.....check. But I don't WANT to believe it! I'd be ordinary like everyone else if I did. I haven't got a clue how to be ordinary. Do they do classes? I need more evidence!!!

Exodus 19:18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly. 19 And when the voice of the trumpet sounded long, and waxed louder and louder
Smoke everywhere! Oh Lord, what kind of god lives in a mountain covered in smoke??! The smoke of a furnace??? Like loads of thick smoke going up in a 'column of smoke'? Ok, that column of smoke is remeniscent of the column of smoke that the Hebrews walked towards when they left Egypt. That column looked like fire at night and smoke by day. Hmmmm...... Ok, I'd be a damn fool to deny it but I'd rather be a fool than accept it because if I accept it I will have to do something about it and I'm sooo scared!!! I've not changed my mind on anything since I decided I did in fact like sprouts. I need more evidence!

Exodus 24:
15 And Moses went up into the mount, and a cloud covered the mount.
16 And the glory of the Lord abode upon mount Sinai, and the cloud covered it six days: and the seventh day he called unto Moses out of the midst of the cloud.
17 And the sight of the glory of the Lord was like devouring fire on the top of the mount in the eyes of the children of Israel.
Oh holy smoke!!! God's glory is fire??? The glory of god is lava coming out of a volcano? Are you telling me that all I need to enjoy a bit of divine glory is to gaze at the one bar fire in my bathroom with the lights off? Hey, you know what, I've done that and it does make you go kinda glazed and wooey. I'm buying a THREE bar fire today and will have a triple glory fest! Glory glory glory!!! But I still don't buy this volcano god idea because I like to be the first to come up with great ideas and therefore I'm going to scupper your plans and enjoy your suffering. Ha! Ok, show me one more bit of juicy evidence and you might just sway my stubborn butt.

Exodus 34:29 And it came to pass, when Moses came down from mount Sinai with the two tables of testimony in Moses' hand, when he came down from the mount, that Moses wist not that the skin of his face shone while he talked with him. 30.And when Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone; and they were afraid to come nigh him. 33.And till Moses had done speaking with them, he put a vail on his face.

2 Corinthians 3:13 We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away.
He was staring at a three bar fire on the top of the mountain and knew he was being naughty so covered it up with a pashmina! I know how rosie it makes your cheeks! thought you were so clever with your volcano god idea but all along I had the answer! No....not a volcano, not a spaceship, not a god but a three bar fire!
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  1. You left out perhaps the most damning of evidence from the Bible. Exodus 19:12-13
    Verse 12 states:
    "You shall set bounds for the people all around saying "Take heed to yourselves that you do not go up to the mountain or touch its base. Whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death"
    Verse 13 states "Not a hand shall touch him, but he shall surely be stoned or shot with an arrow, whether man or beast, he shall not live. When the trumpet sounds long, they shall come near the mountain."
    Notice in 13 God tells Moses no hand shall touch the man who goes near the mountain but will be stoned to death or shot through with an arrow. Volcanoes throw rock pumice into the air and those near t will die. Common sense there. In other versions of the Bible the line about arrows says "Shot through like a fiery arrow" or a projectile that is magma and will burn clean through a human if they get too close. Neither man nor beast could survive such an "arrow".

  2. You are very likely correct and this is exactly the way I interpreted these verses but, would you believe, a Jewish man recently claimed that guards were positioned at the base of the mount and were armed with bows and arrows, ready to shoot anyone who came near. If I can find the conversation I will be back with it.